


OT Cats

by darth dazelor teh sith (MahinaIRL)



Series: Star Wars and Cats [2]
Category: Cats (2019), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: CGI not included, Crack, Gen, Musical References, Really bad musical references, trollfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:29:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22584082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MahinaIRL/pseuds/darth%20dazelor%20teh%20sith
Summary: Like ST cats, but with Vader as Grizabella. And more words and plot.
Relationships: Leia Organa & Luke Skywalker, Luke Skywalker & Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Luke Skywalker
Series: Star Wars and Cats [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625059
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	OT Cats

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MissChrisDaae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissChrisDaae/gifts).



> Saying that this was asked for is a stretch but I wrote it anyway. Everyone thank MissChrisDaae!

Luke died in the process of taunting his evil nephew, and when he woke, found himself deposited in a trash-heap junkyard at the backend of an orange-tinged alley. He was very small. The trash was very large.

“Hello?” Luke asked

“Y hello there.” Replied a small man, prowling atop the trash.

“BEN!” Luke exclaimed, happily. For as the man stood, Luke recognized his blue eyes and wispy beard. It was none other than Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Obi-Wan held up a hand. “No, Luke, I no longer go by that name.”

“...Obi-Wan?” Luke tried.

“Not that one either,” Obi-Wan denied. “That is a Jedi name, given to us when we were Jedi, and you see that here in the Force we have become Jeddicle Cats!”

Luke realized it was true. He had become a furry, naked cat. A very human-proportionate cat with no genitalia, but a cat nonetheless. Also he was a young and sexy twink icon again.

“Okay.” Said Luke, going with the flow. What did he know? Maybe he should have read the ancient Jedi texts more closely rather than lock them in a tree until they got set on fire. “What is your Jeddicle name?”

“Munkustrap!” Obi-Wan declared. “And you shall be...hmmmm...well, your Jeddicle name will reveal itself in time.”

“I like Victoria,” Luke offered. He did a balletic pirouette.

Obi-Wan hopped down from his trash perch and did a few creepy, slinky moves before scratching his chin and shrugging. “Okay let’s go with that.”

More Jedi appeared, crawling over the trash and each other seductively. Obi-Wan made intros. Suddenly, there was a clatter at the mouth of the alley, and the  ~~ Jedi ~~ ~~ Jellicle ~~ Jeddicles scattered. A grizzled cat with mangled scars and an oversized cloak peeked tentatively at Luke. It was Vader. 

“Dad?” Luke asked. 

The burnt and scarred cat flinched. He inched away, though his sad eyes remained steady on Luke. Glistening tears streamed down his cheeks.

A bald, black Jeddicle jumped in front of Luke, pushing the smaller and more slender boy back while doing a hip-hop move.

“No that’s Grizabella, the glamor cat.” The hip-hop master corrected. Luke noted he was the only Jeddicle wearing sneakers, which Luke thought was odd and possibly racist. The Jeddicle master continued. “He used to be the Chosen One, but then went off to hang with Macavity. Also he murdered most of us. Hate is not the Jeddicle way, but...we basically hate him.”

Luke gently pushed the hip-hop cat’s arm down and balletically slid around it. He took a few hesitant steps towards Vader, but Vader turned and fled. His homeless-appropriative tears glittered on the wind.

_ So that’s why dad’s ghost never showed up after the one bonfire party _ , Luke thought to himself,  _ He was sulking here, being a trash cat. _

Luke turned back to the black Jeddicle master. “By Macavity, do you mean Palpatine?” Luke asked.

“Yeah, him.” The black cat agreed. “Also you can stop calling me ‘the black one’ in your internal monologue.’ You’ve probably already guessed that I’m Mace Windu, because he was the only black Jedi with lines in a film. Finn doesn’t count, he didn’t get a Jedi training montage yet.”

Luke pondered this. Then nodded. “What’s your Jeddicle name?”

“Rum Tum Tugger.” Mace Windu said with attitude. “You should have expected that one too, because he’s the only male black-coded cat with lines who is also not evil.”

Luke took another moment to reflect on the politics of representation and inclusion in fanfiction. 

“Come, Luke.” Obi-Wan interrupted, placing a not-CGI human hand on Windu’s shoulder. “The hour is late and we must rush to our Jeddicle temple. Old Deuteronomy is about pick the most worthy Jeddicle cat to ascend to the Heaviside Layer, where they shall be reborn into a new life!”

“What what what now?” Luke asked, eyes spinning. 

“No time!” Obi-Wan cried. He and Mace Windu rubbed against each other, before splitting apart and dashing into the night. “Nyaaaan!”

“Shit.” Luke muttered. 

About 20 minutes runtime and one musical number later — with a pair of cats who introduced themselves as Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer but looked an awful lot like a red and a yellow Dathomiri — Luke found himself deposited outside of a rundown, ramshackle building with broken glass windows.

“Ah! Victoria!” Obi-Wan greeted. “Welcome to our temple, we were worried you wouldn’t make it.”

Luke eyed the cavernous building skeptically. “Isn’t this an out of business community theater?”

Obi-Wan leaned in close, with a serious expression. “...No.” He said flatly. “It’s the Jeddicle Temple.” 

And with that, Luke was rushed inside. After a wild and PG-13 orgastic frenzy,  ~~Yoda~~ Old Deuteronomy descended with his gimmer stick and a cloak sewn from what could logically only be the skin of other yoda-cats. He raised his teeny arms and all of the other Jeddicle cats rubbed themselves upon him. Luke was introduced to many other Jedi through a series of competitive song and dance.

Plo-Kloon, the gas mask cat

Shaak Ti, the it’s-not-Ahsoka cat

Yaddle, the also-a-muppet cat

Sifo-Dyas, the offscreen fall guy cat

Ki-Adi-Mundi, the phallic-head cat.

Luke was just about to head outside to chase after Vader, whom he spotted lurking sadly in the theater window, when suddenly all of the Jedi council save Obi-Wan and Yoda disappeared! A lithe young woman-cat descended onto the stage via a sexy crescent moon. She sang with a scowl and the voice of a particular American pop star,

_ “I don’t get to say my name in Cats 2019~ _

_ because I spend the whole time hyping  _

_ my male boss.  _

_ But I’m telling you now!  _

_ My name is Bomblurina!  _

_ Also, I’m Asajj Ventress~” _

Asajj Ventress finished up her magnetic, alluring number with a half-hearted hip waggle and some spirit fingers. In the back,  ~~ Maul and Savage Opress ~~ Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer dumped buckets of a mysterious spice on the Jeddicles.

“Oh no!” The Jeddicles cried. “Sithnip!”

Yoda stood up, then clambered onto Obi-Wan’s shoulders to see better. “Mcavity, show yourself! Done what evil now, have you?”

Emperor Palpatine appeared above the stage with a poof. He adjusted the brim on his pimp hat, which did a surprisingly good job of shadowing his face compared to his old hooded cowl. He cackled. “Nothing, my dear Deutoronomy, except to eliminate the competition! How did you like my show? Now you have no choice but to send  _ me _ to the heaviside layer.”

“Wait I’m confused,” Luke interjected. “How are you here with the rest of us? I’ve sensed your return to the Galaxy for decades, even though I foolishly forgot to mention it to anyone.”

Palpatine waved Luke away with a claw. “Yes, but I’m a bit of a zombie over there, have you seen me?” Palpatine began to pace. “I have plans, grand plans. I need to turn my secret granddaughter Rey to the darkside to hype Dyad, my new mystical dating app. When her power combines with that sad fool Kylo, there shall be no stopping our IPO!”

“Never!” Yoda defied.

“Then you shall be banished as well” Palpatine cried. With a poof of dark magic, Yoda too disappeared.

“Fiend!” Obi-Wan cried. “What have you done with Old Deuteronomy?”

Palpatine hissed. “I’ve simply sent him to be with the others. On a barge on the River Thames, in the tender care of Count Dooku, the most genteel barge cat you’ll ever meet! Goodbye!” 

Palpatine poofed. Obi-Wan fell to his knees in despair, along with the remaining Jeddicles. Fortunately, just then, a new cat materialized in the  ~~ theater ~~ temple.

“‘Sup.” The cat said. 

Luke rose to his feet in awe. For it was none other than his twin sister, Leia! A question immediately sprung to his lips. “What the hell are you wearing?”

Leia looked down at her dapper sequined jacket and traced the brim of her black top hat. “I guess I’m Mr. Mistoffelees, the magic cat.”

“Not fair,” Luke whined. “I want clothes.”

“Hush, Victoria.” Obi-Wan chastened. “Lei— I mean, Mr. Mistoffelees, how are you here?”

“I just fridged myself to advance my son’s character arc.” Leia explained. “But I got a Jedi training montage in the process, so I count with the Force now.”

“Excellent.” Said Obi-Wan. “You’re just in time to counter Mcavity’s evil cat magic and bring back Old Deuteronomy.”

“Who and what?” Leia asked.

“Palpatine and Yoda.” Luke whispered. Obi-Wan elbowed him.

“We use our chosen names here.” Obi-Wan scolded. “Anyway, while I’m sad you’re dead, I’m very glad you’re here now. We need your magic. Mr. Mistoffelees, you’re our only hope!”

Leia became somewhat shy. “Oh, surely that can’t be the case. I mean, you’re all proper Jedi, right? What power could I possibly have that you all don’t?”

Obi-Wan moved expressively, sidling closer in a way that expressed both his feline nature and his sadness. “Regretfully, while we’ve all become amazing interpretive dancers in this Jeddicle world,  _ you _ are the only cat with magic who is also not evil.”

“But why?” Leia complained.

Obi-Wan rubbed his head on Leia, and she shoved him away. Obi-Wan yowled and fixed his fur. “I don’t know! You just are. Our Jeddicle world lacks expository worldbuilding.”

Leia groaned. 

“Cheer up!” Luke said, pitter-pattering around en pointe. “I believe in you!”

Leia smiled warmly. “Thanks Luke, that means a lot. Okay, I’ll try my best at a magic dance to bring Old Deuteronomy back.”

Leia took off her hat, and mysteriously produced a wand. The other Jeddicle cats began to circle and sing,

_ “If you feel raw! It could be because Lucas stole your bra! _

_ Said the pissed-off space princess Mistoffelees!” _

Alas, nothing happened. Leia shook her herself out and geared up again, fueled by an encouraging nod from Luke. She walked in a circle, and the other cats followed her. 

_ “Hollywood’s rough! Make sure your self care is enough! _

_ Said the pissed-off space princess Mistoffelees!” _

Nothing happened again. Leia slumped, but Luke twirled around her and lifted her hand gently. The lingering, co-worshipful gaze dragged on a beat too long as the music stretched in tension.

Abruptly, Luke broke away and threw up his hands, bringing the musical number to a screeching halt. “So like I’m picking up some sexual tension in our dance here. We don’t have to be a thing right? Because that’s been weird since 1977.”

Leia recoiled. “No! This is AO3. Just because Tom Hooper invented a romantic subplot for his film, doesn’t mean we have to conform to the corporate studio mandate.”

Luke nodded. “Okay, I just wanted to be super clear about boundaries. Also, down with compulsive heteronormativity!”

Leia grinned. “You’re right. Let’s do this again!” She tossed her wand and her hat, and threw up both middle fingers to the sky. With a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder, all of the missing Jeddicle council cats poofed into the hall and landed on their feet. 

“Old Deutoronomy, you’re okay!” Obi-wan exclaimed, dancing over to greet Yoda. The Jeddicles rubbed themselves upon the elderly cat once more in a slinky pile of disturbingly human bodies.

“Get off, I say! Get-- _ ooof!” _ Yoda groused under the crushing weight of much larger creatures. “Award a Jeddicle cat, I must. Send them to the heaviside layer now, we shall!”

The cats meowed and scattered. All of the hopefuls from the council lined up. Yoda raised a withered paw as his gaze passed over them all to land on a spot in the back.

“You!” Yoda declared. “Grizabella!”

All of the cats present gasped. They whip-paned to the door, where Luke was caught in the act of trying to sneak Vader into the ~~theater~~ temple. 

“See you lurking in the back, I do.” Yoda explained “Beautiful, you may not be. Spoiled little turd in life, you were. But true your feelings for your son, I can feel. Yes, your son...and your daughter.”

“But master, he didn’t even sing yet!” someone complained.

“Want to read all of that, you do not.” Yoda huffed. He poked Vader with his gimmer stick. “Up you go, into the chandelier.”

Vader, looking bewildered but joyous, gingerly climbed into the broken chandelier with the help of his children. Leia flipped the bird, and the chandelier magically transformed into a hot air balloon. The balloon ascended slowly, and Vader tearfully floated away through a hole in the ceiling. At last, his operatic voice bellowed powerfully under the rising sun.

_ “ _ _ Free me! _

_ It was so easy to free me _

_ All you had to do was just leave me _

_ And not steal a nine-year-old kid from his mum~” _

As Vader drifted off, the rest of the Jeddicle cats followed him outside. They began to ritually dance to greet the coming dawn. As the dance finished, and as Yoda monologued nonsensically to the camera about how cats were not to be confused with dogs, Luke slung his arm around his sister. 

“You know, I could get used to this.” Luke said.

Leia smiled, resting her head against his shoulder. “Me too, Victoria, me too.”

“There’s just one thing I wonder about. Whatever happened to Palpatine - I mean, Mcavity?”

“Mom!” Someone cried behind the pair. 

They turned, and their jaws dropped in shock because for there stood none other than Ben Solo, the evil nephew formerly known as Kylo Ren. 

“Ben?” Leia asked wonderingly.

Ben shrugged bashfully. “For now. Grandad got to be Grizabella in this story, so I’ll have to be my own cat I guess.” 

“Oh my poor, beautiful boy.” Leia gushed. She was overwhelmed with gladness that her fridging was not in vain, and that Ben returned to the light before dying dramatically in the arms of a loved one, as was Skywalker tradition.

“Me and Rey finished off Palpatine,” Ben explained. “Well, mostly Rey. I came back in the end and gave up my life to resuscitate her. And then she kissed me. And now I’m here!”

“Oh sweetie,” Leia said, brushing his fur affectionately. “That’s wonderful. You’ve made Reylo fans happy while still infuriating them,  _ and  _ leaving the door open to other ships. I couldn’t think of a better ending to troll humanity. Did Finn finally get his Jedi training montage, so the fandom can stop second-tiering his abilities?”

Luke chimed in. “Yes, is Rey going to rebuild the order?”

Kylo shrugged. “I dunno, Last I saw she was off to bury your and grandad’s lightsabers in some sand.”

Up in the balloon, Vader stopped singing. “NOOOOOOOO! SAAAAND! NEVEERRRRRRR! I’M TURNING THIS BALLOON AROUND RIGHT NOW AND -”

Luke and Leia exchanged glances.

Leia started to speak. “Should we go check in on her or…”

Luke nodded, plugging his ears against the distraught wails of their father. “Yeah, we should probably go check in on her.”

**Author's Note:**

> The end.


End file.
